http://www.running.net/read_feature/beating-burnoutIt's me :( I'm just like Susan. I found this column the other day and it depressed me a little but at the same time made me feel better that the description was so clearly my problem. It totally sucks - I really didn't think I was THAT much of a type A personality, but I do have some of the traits. I have trouble relaxing, I feel guilty for not doing something productive, I make huge lists of things for myself to do, I take on way to much sometimes and feel like I am failing if I do not do everything I set out to do, I don't like asking for help, I expect a lot from myself - sometimes I say "I tell me what to do so I can do anything I want to do" -or something like that- And running really should be that way - it's just me and the road, nothing is stopping me but me - That's why this is so hard for me, my internal struggle with this. I feel like I'm failing and then failing again and again and again because I just can't accomplish the things that I want to accomplish - but how is that even possible? It can't possibly be that I can't because I could, right? I choose to stop running and walk when i'm out their, but it really feels like I CAN'T go anymore - but I could I just don't.... because somehow I can't even though I should be able to.... and around and around that goes. I'm having to realize that my statement above is not so simple. Some people say "I"m so fat I need to loose weight" but then decide to go to McDonald's and get a big mac or worse yet go to Chilies and get the #1 worst burger for you in America: Chili’s Jalapeño Smokehouse Bacon Burger - 1,910 calories - 126 g fat (43 g saturated) - 5,290 mg sodium. I bet it tastes delicious... it better anyway, I will never know though because I could not order it after knowing how many calories are in it, I have ruined many wonderful restaurant meals for myself by looking up the calorie chart. I have a new rule for that though - if I already ate it, don't look it up.... I don't really follow that rule though.... ANYWAY back to the fat thing - I always though "well stop eating crap food then, and start to work out" but it's not so simple is it? it's much easier to say than to do. Just like saying I will run 2 marathons and 2 ultra marathons in 5 months with total of around 900 miles in my training program - is easy to say, easy and fun to make a schedule for, but FREAKING HARD to actually do it. I don't want to be like Nike and say "Just Do It" I want to be able to say "Just DID it" How can their even be such a thing as "pushing to hard" "doing too much" "being too productive" "working too hard" "being too dedicated" those things have always been positive statements in my mind.
I decided to try to go 22 miles tomorrow and NOT run Sunday. The schedule says 10 miles tomorrow and 8 miles Sunday. I feel like I need to accomplish one more long run because last week we cut it so short because of Debi's I.T. band. 10 miles plus a 22 mile bike ride does not equal a 26 mile run. I'm afraid though. Genuinely worried and a little stressed about it. I don't want to fail again the though of that makes me want to cry.... Debi is going to run 10 and Judah is going to try to stay with me for the whole 22 - his longest is 14, so that should be interesting for him. I must succeed. I have to beat myself in this war of wills.... May the best me win I guess....
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
But I don't want to...
Last weekend was the 22 mile Euro trail adventure race around lake
Geneva. I had a rough couple weeks before the race, but really thought
things were looking up. I have just been fighting exhaustion and pain
and injury for a wile now, and i'm just tired of it. However - I thought
I was doing better, I had a couple of decent runs, I had upped my
protein a LOT and I though I had more energy and just felt better over
all. So, Friday, driving up to Lake Geneva I had no idea what was in
store for me............
My sister & I, her husband and my boyfriend stayed in a
2 bedroom suit with a living room and kitchen... it was really nice - I
would stay their again - it was called the Cove of Lake Geneva and
happened to be right next to the start line. 
That night we got our race packets and went to bed around 10pm. I got up and ate my regular pre race meal - coffee and BP&J - I felt rested for the most part, I felt that I had slept well. I remembered all my race gear, so things were looking good. I ran in my Brooks Pure Grit trail shoes. We headed out to the start and met up with another runner. I decided to let him use my watch because he had forgotten his, I thought it would be good - less pressure to keep a certain pace for me. The weather was good, over cast about 55 degrees at 8am - Turns out running with out a watch for a whole race really sucks... But hey, live and learn....
One annoyance
was the May flies had hatched and happened to be just about every where.
I ate several of them on accident of course - One of them also flew in
my eye in the fashion of a kamikaze fighter plane. I wonder if he died
in my eyes water with the promise of 10 may fly Virginians....That last part can be credited to Judah.... I didn't think of that. Anyhow, The trail
was less of a trail than I thought it was going to be. We quite
literally ran around the entirety of Lake Geneva - right through the
back yard of the HUGE houses on Lake Geneva.
I ran on more surfaces then
I think I ever have - squishy grass, dirt, gravel, brick, cement, black
top, big circle stones, little square stones, cool old brick, new brick, different stone walk
ways.... It was annoying when a super awesome nice house didn't have a nice walk way for us....but a smaller less impressive one made an effort to have a nice path. We had to open gates, duck under boats, jump over hoses, avoid
dogs, go around land scapers through a golf course... It was
interesting. 4 of the 5 water stops consisted of a card table out along the rout with a sign that said "Euro Race" and a pile of water bottles on top of it.... Debi has been having IT Band problems - she said she was
going to take it easy... but then she saw all the people in front of us
and seemed to want to pass them - ALL of them. She ended up having
horrible pain around mile 3 and we thought she wouldn't be able to make
it. I ended up feeling AWFUL around mile 5, so we ended up walking A
LOT - it was depressing. I was just tired. REALLY tired. and everything hurt. I was so sick of moving one leg in
front of the other OVER AND OVER AGAIN. As I was running just around
mile 7 or so - it felt like mile 25.... So sad....
I was hoping to trip on a root
and twist my ankle so I wouldn't be 
able to run any more, or maybe I
would mis step on one of the stones and my foot would fall between 2 of
them and twist my ankle and then I wouldn't have to run anymore... We
passed the half marathon finish line where I figured Judah had ran
through many hours ago (even though I had only been running for about
1:50 at that point) I also considered just stopping at the half marathon
mark... but Debi wouldn't let me. She was a cruel ruthless slave driver.
After that the next time I couldn't run anymore and we walked I told
debi to just go ahead and I would go to the road and get Judah to pick
me up - She rudely refused me that as well and we continued on. I hated
running so much at this point, I wanted to curl up and sleep and never
run again.... SO TIRED. Since I could not mentally handle running for
too long at a time and Debi was making sure to stretch her IT band when
we stopped to walk... we decided to have a little fun, take pictures of
stuff... the houses... me dieing... stuff like that... We finally got
to around mile 18 and my brain finally gave in to the fact that I was
going to finish the race one way or another -whether I liked it or not,
whether it killed me or not... I would finish. It was not a happy
realization like It should have been - it felt like a death sentence -
It's strange that I thought this as I realized that I would finish
somehow, but it was a hopeless feeling - that I would have to go through
4 more horrible miles - I imagined that the feeling was similar to the
feeling of someone who had just realized that they were going to die,
gave up fighting and just let it happen. I really should have felt quite
the opposite, but I felt like running anymore was practically
equivalent to death. I did finish - in over 4 hours - worse then my last
marathon time. but I did finish. And I'm glad I didn't quit. I felt
utterly defeated though, but quitting would have been worse. My finish
photo pretty much told the story, I looked every bit as misriable as I
felt. My parents were their though with Matilda my dog and Matt &
Judah were waiting for us to finish as well. I was glad to be done. We
went to Geno's East for the pizza dinner after and awards. Turns out I
was first in my age group - but that was only because I was the only one
in my age group. I was 10th to last in the race... My one claim to fame
was when the announcer announced our 22 mile Euro race as the race "the
crazy people" ran. So at least I have that.
I should have felt good. It shouldn't have been so hard. It should have been a fun run because of the cool terrain and the awesome houses... It should have..... I should have.... but it wasn't. ... and I didn't.
I remember making the training schedule - thinking that with all these 20+ mile runs it would be easier towards the end. It isn't. Thinking that 20+ miles wouldn't seem so hard or so long, but it does. I feel like I have broken my spirit to run. Like a horse, if you train it too hard and are too tough on it when you first train it you break it's spirit - Break it, not MAKE it - and it is just a boring old broken down horse after that... the sparkle in it's eye is gone, it dosen't flinch when struck with a whip, it just dosen't care anymore.... I just didn't want to run anymore .
 |
| Deb taping up for the run...We need help... |
That night we got our race packets and went to bed around 10pm. I got up and ate my regular pre race meal - coffee and BP&J - I felt rested for the most part, I felt that I had slept well. I remembered all my race gear, so things were looking good. I ran in my Brooks Pure Grit trail shoes. We headed out to the start and met up with another runner. I decided to let him use my watch because he had forgotten his, I thought it would be good - less pressure to keep a certain pace for me. The weather was good, over cast about 55 degrees at 8am - Turns out running with out a watch for a whole race really sucks... But hey, live and learn....
 |
| The Rout |
 |
| Glad I don't have to mow that grass. |
 |
| So tired.... |
 |
| I wanted to stay.... and sleep. |
 |
| Death by running.... |
I ran on more surfaces then
I think I ever have - squishy grass, dirt, gravel, brick, cement, black
top, big circle stones, little square stones, cool old brick, new brick, different stone walk
ways.... It was annoying when a super awesome nice house didn't have a nice walk way for us....but a smaller less impressive one made an effort to have a nice path. We had to open gates, duck under boats, jump over hoses, avoid
dogs, go around land scapers through a golf course... It was
interesting. 4 of the 5 water stops consisted of a card table out along the rout with a sign that said "Euro Race" and a pile of water bottles on top of it.... Debi has been having IT Band problems - she said she was
going to take it easy... but then she saw all the people in front of us
and seemed to want to pass them - ALL of them. She ended up having
horrible pain around mile 3 and we thought she wouldn't be able to make
it. I ended up feeling AWFUL around mile 5, so we ended up walking A
LOT - it was depressing. I was just tired. REALLY tired. and everything hurt. I was so sick of moving one leg in
front of the other OVER AND OVER AGAIN. As I was running just around
mile 7 or so - it felt like mile 25.... So sad....
I was hoping to trip on a root
and twist my ankle so I wouldn't be 
able to run any more, or maybe I
would mis step on one of the stones and my foot would fall between 2 of
them and twist my ankle and then I wouldn't have to run anymore... We
passed the half marathon finish line where I figured Judah had ran
through many hours ago (even though I had only been running for about
1:50 at that point) I also considered just stopping at the half marathon
mark... but Debi wouldn't let me. She was a cruel ruthless slave driver.
After that the next time I couldn't run anymore and we walked I told
debi to just go ahead and I would go to the road and get Judah to pick
me up - She rudely refused me that as well and we continued on. I hated
running so much at this point, I wanted to curl up and sleep and never
run again.... SO TIRED. Since I could not mentally handle running for
too long at a time and Debi was making sure to stretch her IT band when
we stopped to walk... we decided to have a little fun, take pictures of
stuff... the houses... me dieing... stuff like that... We finally got
to around mile 18 and my brain finally gave in to the fact that I was
going to finish the race one way or another -whether I liked it or not,
whether it killed me or not... I would finish. It was not a happy
realization like It should have been - it felt like a death sentence -
It's strange that I thought this as I realized that I would finish
somehow, but it was a hopeless feeling - that I would have to go through
4 more horrible miles - I imagined that the feeling was similar to the
feeling of someone who had just realized that they were going to die,
gave up fighting and just let it happen. I really should have felt quite
the opposite, but I felt like running anymore was practically
equivalent to death. I did finish - in over 4 hours - worse then my last
marathon time. but I did finish. And I'm glad I didn't quit. I felt
utterly defeated though, but quitting would have been worse. My finish
photo pretty much told the story, I looked every bit as misriable as I
felt. My parents were their though with Matilda my dog and Matt &
Judah were waiting for us to finish as well. I was glad to be done. We
went to Geno's East for the pizza dinner after and awards. Turns out I
was first in my age group - but that was only because I was the only one
in my age group. I was 10th to last in the race... My one claim to fame
was when the announcer announced our 22 mile Euro race as the race "the
crazy people" ran. So at least I have that. I should have felt good. It shouldn't have been so hard. It should have been a fun run because of the cool terrain and the awesome houses... It should have..... I should have.... but it wasn't. ... and I didn't.
I remember making the training schedule - thinking that with all these 20+ mile runs it would be easier towards the end. It isn't. Thinking that 20+ miles wouldn't seem so hard or so long, but it does. I feel like I have broken my spirit to run. Like a horse, if you train it too hard and are too tough on it when you first train it you break it's spirit - Break it, not MAKE it - and it is just a boring old broken down horse after that... the sparkle in it's eye is gone, it dosen't flinch when struck with a whip, it just dosen't care anymore.... I just didn't want to run anymore .
 |
| All for this? |
Monday, May 14, 2012
Embrace the Suck Month
Running Kills - just say no. -How I feel right now && "Just Say No to over training" - Mike Way -
Last month was our hardest training week. We ran three over 30 mile weekends in a row -
and i'm really feeling it. I made it through some tough runs, but not with out help. My first week over 50 was rough. I had hamstring issues as usual and had to skip a run early in the week - only to make up for it on Sunday - running 12.5 instead of 10. On Saturday we met at my parents for 24 miles. We had a good group of about 8 ranging in miles between 18, and well... 24. I had an awful run, another runner also did, so we limped through a rough patch together. It was a nice rout though. starting in Sandwich out in the country - going mostly on the back roads towards sharidan into newerk -
we got a little lost so our 18 rout turned into 20, but it worked out ok. After that Debi and I had to do another 4 miles. 4 miles never seemed so long - it was tough. I ended up just running down a road and waiting for a ride.... laying on the road... then it
started to rain and it was cold.... but I made it 24, the next day was though, 12.5 miles - It was Judah, Debi, Paul (Old youth pastor who is training again after a year + off) and I. We went down to silver springs from my house, ran a loop, and came back down hale street. That was my first 50+ mile week. On Monday I hurt. BAD. but my hamstring didn't feel too much worse. The next week we ran 23 and 8 I believe. everyone met at my house and we ran a rout through Sandwich and Somonauk. we had about 8 or 9 runners - the weather was great, I didn't feel too bad. That Monday I hurt, but not as bad.... This last week we ran 22 - the tour of the parks rout. Deb and I were going to run 6 before we met up with everyone, but it ended up being very rainy - I did NOT want to go run, it was cold and raining.... I think everyone was praying for lighting... But it didn't, and we did meet at 6am on another Saturday made possible by yet another early Friday night. 10 of us met, I think we needed the group just to have the motivation to get out and run in crappy weather like it was. A few people went 12 miles - we ended up loosing Mike and Angela, so it was just 4 of us. I'd say it was a decent run though. After that run my foot started hurting and Debi's IT Band started hurting.
We met at her house at 8am to run a Plano, yorkville Bristol rout - 10 miles. We were both limping pretty bad - it's my left foot, started with the arch area in the middle, now it's that and the outer edge....
We made it through the run though and were feeling alright - we figured this week is an easy week, so we took 2 days off hoping we would feel refreshed after - that effort was a major fail. We had a HORRIBLE 9 mile run this morning. it was 60ish degrees and SOOO humid. I couldn't breath, my foot was killing me.... it was awful. but we made it.... today I am limping. I am tired of hurting. I don't know what i'm going to do - it hurts bad, bad enough I may not be able to run through it. It's just so heartbreaking, hit after hit I try so hard to be upbeat and strong and not worry about how much pain i'm in, but sometime it just wears on me and I feel like curling up and crying. I"ve put so much work into this, time, energy, so much sacrifice and it's just so hard to be hurt right now. The crazy early mornings when I wish I could just curl up on the couch like Matilda and go back to sleep - All the medicine and pills I have to take, All the gear I put on every run, the icing, the massaging, the stretching.... and what do I have to show for it? a little section of medals and running bibs.....
I have the 22 Mile Lake Geneva race on the 12th, I just can't be more hurt now - but I am. The hamstring, blisters, rubs from my camel back, soreness... that was all enough... now my foot? really? I shake my fist in disgust at this situation.
To stray away from the doom and gloom I want to talk a little about what has helped me get through this schedule - so far. I wear Calf compression sleeves
- I LOVE them. After a run when I sit at work if I do NOT have my compression sleeves on my calves get SO tight and awful feeling - but when they are on - the feel great. I also think it aids in recovery and is good for traveling if your a runner or not (helps with swelling) . My Garmen Forrunner 405 - I think it's neat - it tells me how fast i go, how many miles i've run - keeps me from starting out too fast and just in general makes me happy. My Ice Pack - It goes in the freezer and gets cold, OR in the microwave for a heat pad. then it just slips into it's nice sleeve and wraps around what ever hurts - it has been used a LOT. These days i'm not even sure what to put it on first.
My head phones - I have spend a great deal of money on head phones in the past - finally I found these - they wrap around my ears and actually stay on, Few things do I find more annoying when I run is the feeling of my ear bud slowly slipping out of my ears. Mole Skin - I have some shoes that give me blisters, I like those shoes, and if I put this stuff down where it gives me a blister, no blister and I get to wear the shoes. My Shoes
- I love each and every one of them - even the ones that have hurt me and failed me - i'm just loyal like that. I don't think I could ever have too many, although my door begs to differ. Lately I have been enjoying light shoes and trail shoes. Newton Shoes are my favorite - but i'd be up for trying some heaver more structured shoes again someday. My running friends
- Sometimes I think my running group needs to have a pact - and that would be - What happens on the trail/road stays on the trails/roads. The runners that show up to run at 6am on a Saturday morning is sometimes the only reason i'm able to get out of bed, and that's because if I didn't, i'd never hear the end of it -we all enjoy the group Facebook attach to runners who don't make it in the morning. like last week the 10 that showed up in the rain - no way was I going to be the weak link and not show....
 |
| Yes - this is what time I get up sometimes |
 |
| One of our running routs - tour of the parks |
 |
| Lake Geneva Marathon rout - the 22 Mile Euro goes around the lake trail |
 |
| Matilda thinks i'm crazy |
 |
| I also go to bed really early sometimes It's lame |
We met at her house at 8am to run a Plano, yorkville Bristol rout - 10 miles. We were both limping pretty bad - it's my left foot, started with the arch area in the middle, now it's that and the outer edge....
 | |||
| my arch support foot wrap attempt. FAIL |
 |
| Right now - to me. its not worth it. |
 | |
| Every runner needs one of these |
 |
| My Watch & headphones |
I have the 22 Mile Lake Geneva race on the 12th, I just can't be more hurt now - but I am. The hamstring, blisters, rubs from my camel back, soreness... that was all enough... now my foot? really? I shake my fist in disgust at this situation.
 | |
| Embrace the suck bracelet. Sometimes it helps |
 |
| Runner Friends! |
- I LOVE them. After a run when I sit at work if I do NOT have my compression sleeves on my calves get SO tight and awful feeling - but when they are on - the feel great. I also think it aids in recovery and is good for traveling if your a runner or not (helps with swelling) . My Garmen Forrunner 405 - I think it's neat - it tells me how fast i go, how many miles i've run - keeps me from starting out too fast and just in general makes me happy. My Ice Pack - It goes in the freezer and gets cold, OR in the microwave for a heat pad. then it just slips into it's nice sleeve and wraps around what ever hurts - it has been used a LOT. These days i'm not even sure what to put it on first.
 |
| I love these |
 |
| As a runner you really can't have enough |
- I love each and every one of them - even the ones that have hurt me and failed me - i'm just loyal like that. I don't think I could ever have too many, although my door begs to differ. Lately I have been enjoying light shoes and trail shoes. Newton Shoes are my favorite - but i'd be up for trying some heaver more structured shoes again someday. My running friends
 | ||||
| I really can't wear these heels |
- Sometimes I think my running group needs to have a pact - and that would be - What happens on the trail/road stays on the trails/roads. The runners that show up to run at 6am on a Saturday morning is sometimes the only reason i'm able to get out of bed, and that's because if I didn't, i'd never hear the end of it -we all enjoy the group Facebook attach to runners who don't make it in the morning. like last week the 10 that showed up in the rain - no way was I going to be the weak link and not show....
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