Burn out....

http://www.running.net/read_feature/beating-burnoutIt's me :( I'm just like Susan. I found this column the other day and it depressed me a little but at the same time made me feel better that the description was so clearly my problem. It totally sucks - I really didn't think I was THAT much of a type A personality, but I do have some of the traits. I have trouble relaxing, I feel guilty for not doing something productive, I make huge lists of things for myself to do, I take on way to much sometimes and feel like I am failing if I do not do everything I set out to do, I don't like asking for help,  I expect a lot from myself - sometimes I say "I tell me what to do so I can do anything I want to do" -or something like that- And running really should be that way - it's just me and the road, nothing is stopping me but me - That's why this is so hard for me, my internal struggle with this. I feel like I'm failing and then failing again and again and again because I just can't accomplish the things that I want to accomplish - but how is that even possible? It can't possibly be that I can't because I could, right? I  choose to stop running and walk when i'm out their, but it really feels like I CAN'T go anymore - but I could I just don't.... because somehow I can't even though I should be able to.... and around and around that goes. I'm having to realize that my statement above is not so simple. Some people say "I"m so fat I need to loose weight" but then decide to go to McDonald's and get a big mac or worse yet go to Chilies and get the #1 worst burger for you in America: Chili’s Jalapeño Smokehouse Bacon Burger - 1,910 calories - 126 g fat (43 g saturated) - 5,290 mg sodium. I bet it tastes delicious... it better anyway, I will never know though because I could not order it after knowing how many calories are in it, I have ruined many wonderful restaurant meals for myself  by looking up the calorie chart. I have a new rule for that though - if I already ate it, don't look it up.... I don't really follow that rule though.... ANYWAY back to the fat thing - I always though "well stop eating crap food then, and start to work out" but it's not so simple is it? it's much easier to say than to do. Just like saying I will run 2 marathons and 2 ultra marathons in 5 months with total of around 900 miles in my training program - is easy to say, easy and fun to make a schedule for, but FREAKING HARD to actually do it. I don't want to be like Nike and say "Just Do It" I want to be able to say "Just DID it" How can their even be such a thing as "pushing to hard" "doing too much" "being too productive" "working too hard" "being too dedicated" those things have always been positive statements in my mind.

I decided to try to go 22 miles tomorrow and NOT run Sunday. The schedule says 10 miles tomorrow and 8 miles Sunday. I feel like I need to accomplish one more long run because last week we cut it so short because of Debi's I.T. band. 10 miles plus a 22 mile bike ride does not equal a 26 mile run. I'm afraid though. Genuinely worried and a little stressed about it. I don't want to fail again the though of that makes me want to cry.... Debi is going to run 10 and Judah is going to try to stay with me for the whole 22 - his longest is 14, so that should be interesting for him. I must succeed. I have to beat myself in this war of wills.... May the best me win I guess....